This is Vegas E. Sundance and welcome to what has been dubbed in the media as “The Rant 2.0”. The blog that is more sought after than the exact whereabouts of Edward Snowden.
Vegas E. Sundance is of course not his real name. His is much weirder. No, He uses this name in an attempt to conceal his real identity, which He feels is necessary if He is to report on the highly sensitive and somewhat classified material in this…well lets call it a blog, although it has also been referred to as “an awakening”, “an eye-opener”, “a casualty of logic” and “an eye-closer”, among other things.
In fact you are currently reading one of the only blogs to be referred to as both “Ground breaking” and “Irresponsible Journalism” in the same sentence by the leading No.1 Irish, comedy panel show Primetime (Season 3 Episode 17).
Following the winning formula of Primetime this blog aims to sidestep the hard hitting topics such as politics, religion, fashion and the dreaded economy but instead will use waffle to cover up ignorance and tackle those issues on the periphery, where most bloggists fear to tread like: Why are washing machines so sneaky? Or How can we harness the power of ADHD children? Or How many people are trapped in the boot of their own cars right now, and why? And of course Why do other bloggists fear to tread over here?
These are the questions people want to discuss according to Gerrymander Polling Inc, a well respected but, as of yet, unheard of sister polling company which has very little to do with polling sisters and a hell of a lot to do with crunching the goddamn facts!
Oh, I’m going to be unleashing secrets like Julian Assange. You know, if Julian Assange didn’t have idealistic principles and if he could be bought and sold for a very small amount of hard cash.
In order to achieve this goal I have listened to your comments on how to improve my blog (also referred to as “The New Bible” by certain religious fanatics), but mostly I have gone over your heads, like a true leader, to make the necessary decisions to lead this blog, also called “An interesting way to waste your time” by the Sunday Times (Later retracted in The Thursday Times as a typo), in a direction the likes of which has never been seen before – and due to my dwindling fan base may never be seen even now.
But rest assured that changes have been made. As per your suggestions I have deleted all previous posts on the basis that they were…well, shit. I have sacked the editor who, lets face it, was non-existent and I have elicited a team of investigators, writers, go-getters and high-filutinists to add credibility to the blog, also referred to as “The [sic] Shit” by Hello Magazine.
I have also hired a group of sketch artists from Mozambiquistan to add much needed incredibility to the blog (also named “the Chimi-churri of blogs” by none other than the Argentinian Steak Sauce Weekly or the ASS Weekly for short) on the off chance that too much credibility is added to it by the others therefore making it thoroughly incredulous.
In short, I have cut the bullshit. And then I have copied and pasted that bullshit into my blog, Aka “The Cock and Balls of All Blogs”- The Guardian.
So feel free to comment on any of the posts and I in turn, like anyone who has ever met you, will pretend to remember who you are and feign interest in your opinion.
Now come on in and kick off those damp boots of reality, put your feet up in front of the fire of ambiguity and take a long drink from the warm cup of obscurity that is the Rush Hour Rant.
Tune in tomorrow when I go undercover at the G8 summit to bring you the inside scoop into how much alcohol it takes to change a G8 Summit into a Gr8 Summit!
So come back tomorrow and every tomorrow for the latest instalments of Rush Hour Rant!!…