The Taoiseach, Enda ‘you killed‘ Kenny, was set to inflict more taxes on the Irish people this Halloween. Following the Troika’s visit this week it was announced in a meeting that, in order to make Ireland’s economy viable again, the government would be imposing a tax on Halloween.
Yes, having already taxed the dead in the last budget by axing the funeral grant, the government would have gone one step further by taxing…the pretend dead.
Finally the Irish government is cashing in on the age old irish festival of Samhain (pronounced “sa-wan”).
Any idiot with a Google can tell you that Halloween came from the Celts’ celebration of their new year when the recently dead made their way from this world to the next. Or at least this idiot with a Google can.
Many ministers were against it including Michael ‘martyr‘ Martin and Gerry ‘I don’t need a scary name‘ Adams who both insisted that the Taoiseach should be axed from office immediately as the stakes were too high.
But Mr. Kenny insisted that If Halloween is originally an Irish festival, then it should be possible to charge locals and other nations to celebrate it?
“We could, as a country, officially patent the festival and charge royalties for anyone who wants to celebrate it or anything resembling it.” He announced in a blood curdling groan.
While most ministers ruled against patenting halloween they did agree that It could be possible at the very least to set up an official, government run Halloween hub in Ireland producing authentic Halloween gear.
“We could put a logo on it like Bord Bia do on food and advertise that any Halloween gear without the official logo on it was a fake and must be destroyed on sight like those fake Louis Vitton bags you see everywhere. Although in my opinion even the real Louis Vitton bags should be destroyed on sight, but I digress”, said Fergus ‘The Shroud’ O Dowd as he digressed before laying out his plan.
“As well as having a Custom tax, we could have a ‘Costume Tax’ for the import and export of official Samhain merchandise” he divulged.
Everyone agreed that it should be spear headed by Batt O Keefe for the simple reason that his name sounded the most halloweeny, as did the phrase “spear headed”!
“Think of the profits to our GNP!” shrieked Brendan ‘howling at the moon‘ Howlan.
The Tanaiste, Eamon ‘kill more’ Gilmore, was quick to back the Taoiseach, adding- “Think of the body count…I mean in employment!” he stuttered.
Unfortunately before an agreement could be reached the meeting had to be adjourned as the sun was coming up and an angry mob carrying pitchforks and garlic was forming outside the steps of the Dail.
Hey can anyone think of any more
Halloween names for any other politicians? If so leave a message. I’ll also take them from other countries if you know them.