People say money is the route of all evil but I’m starting to think that wrapping paper has got away pretty lightly. In this weeks Rush Hour Rant wrapping paper finally gets its comeuppance.
How is it that a piece of colored paper was the sole reason I didn’t get laid last night?
It’s paper for god’s sake! It shouldn’t have that kind of power! It shouldn’t be able to manipulate people like this! For starters its not smart enough to decide between good and evil nor should it have to. Its paper dammit. It doesn’t have the brainial capacity to understand the consequences of its actions therefore denying it the ability to make reasonable, just decisions…or maybe I’ve underestimated it.
Maybe wrapping paper is smarter than we think. Maybe its hell-bent on taking over the world by destroying one relationship at a time until we’re all at each others throats. Is that so unbelievable? I mean money is paper and that makes people murder other people. It makes “the world go round” for God’s sake. Huge pressure to be putting on a piece of paper wouldn’t you say? Maybe wrapping paper saw the success of its distant cousin, Cash, and thought “I want to get in on some of that action, but how?? I know I’ll execute Operation: Birthday Wrecker Upper – Start trivial fights between couples and ruin special occasions. Humans are stupid, I can’t fail”. That’s probably exactly what he thought. Coming in under the radar in the guise of something fun loving and rainbow-esque.
Real sneaky wrapping paper but you don’t fool me. I believe that the main reason why men opt for buying their friends pints rather than presents is because we can’t be arsed with the whole wrapping paper debacle. If my theory is correct than that means wrapping paper could and should be held responsible as it appears to have its decorated little hands in a lot of life’s problems. Starting with alcoholism for one. Then moving on to violence, divorce, kidney failure, depression, all the way to men not being able to communicate their feelings properly. Alcohol takes the lions share of the blame for these while wrapping paper just slides right by wearing novelty sunglasses and fake mustaches pretending it was never there. You see wrapping paper is pure evil!
Or maybe I give the coloured paper too much credit. After all it wasn’t exactly wrapping paper that caused the upset last night but the lack thereof.
You see i get it now (somewhat too late). I know wrapping paper was invented with women in mind. Men cant be dealing with the choosing of it, the buying of it, the folding of it, the sellotaping of it, the being told it looks shit of it, the undoing all your good work of it, the folding it again of it, the sellotaping it properly but still a little bit of the underside can still be seen of it etc! That’s why wrapping paper means different things depending on what sex you are.
Wrapping paper for men
Wrapping paper for men serves one function and one function only: The element of surprise. To conceal the gift for that split second from when it passes from the hand of the giver to when it gets to the hands of the receiver. Then it ceases to be of any use. Then, not only does it lack any function but it also becomes an unnecessary barrier between him and his prize and must be ripped to shreds and discarded post-haste.
The thing is though that in recent years I’ve discovered that hiding the present behind my back serves the same purpose as wrapping paper except that its cheaper and there isn’t all that waste! Wrapping paper has become aware of this and has obviously set out to destroy my relationship.
Wrapping paper for women:
For a woman wrapping paper has many functions. It’s decorative and can add grace and beauty to a gift. It shows you care enough to put the time in to decorate the gift. It also adds a bit of ceremony to the proceedings, prolongs the suspense which women love.It can be an indicator of how expensive something is. Expensive wrapping paper, would lead her to believe the present would be of a certain caliber, where as if you get something covered in newspaper you can probably expect the cost to be the equivalent of the cost of fish ‘N’ chips.
So I can only imagine what she thought when she saw this.
Now before you judge with your little, scrunched up, judgey faces let me explain. You see it was a joke. The present was a joke supposed to be from our 1 year old daughter. So I thought I’d wrap it in a style that conveyed that and I believe I succeeded. Truthfully though I couldn’t find the wrapping paper in my house. It wasn’t in all the usual wrapping paper haunts and so I can only assume that it hid itself away in an attempt to make me look like a cheapskate.
By the by, look at how nicely the nappy covers the present. It looks like there is no present there. But there is. What a simple design for wrapping paper! Men would love this! Easy Velcro patches to secure your wrapping paper in place. No fucking about with scissors and Sellotape. Yes please! You know if you dressed it up a bit and made it appealing to the opposite sex we’d be on to a winner. By the way blogging about this constitutes as a form of Patent in fact this is a crude prototype so hands off!
But maybe it wasn’t the wrapping paper or the lack thereof that got her so pissed, and maybe it wasn’t the fact that I wrapped the gift in an unused nappy. Maybe, just maybe, it was the gift itself that hit a nerve?