Introduction to Becoming the Jesus of blogging
So, you want to write a blog, eh? Words that are readily interchangeable with- “So, you think your better than everybody else, eh?” or “So, you have a half thought-out idea and think the world will simply implode if it didn’t hear about it, eh?”. Let me guess, You’ve ignored your more popular friends who have been against the idea since you drunkenly let it slip in the bar that night and have been both trying to talk you out if it and mocking the shit out of you in equal measures ever since. You’ve set up your blog site and, low and behold, nobody has shown up to offer you a fortune for your ideas on dust particles in the Hoover head (the title of your first post). Nor have BBC radio been knocking down your door to question you on how you came up with the list of your “Top 5 Songs to Sing to Animals.”
But all is not lost.
If you are reading this then you have wandered into the dark, squishy, frightening world of Blogging and you have gotten disheartened. But, as luck would have it, help is at hand. Get ready for the most “enlightening day of your life”- according to The late, great Miley Cyrus, post hummus. At least I think that’s what she said. Her mouth was so full of hummus at the time it was hard to tell. (Did you like that? You see, its not all work work work with this guy.)
As luck would also have it, you have stumbled in here at the exact same time that I have decided to give back to the blogging community which has given me so much by writing a series of self help blogging guides for a nominal fee.
Not entirely unlike a famous footballer returning to the inner-city from whence he first came to help the poor children of the area and to rub it in their grubby little faces that his watch cost more than their entire apartment block. So rise my little caterpillar, stumble no more, for it is time to turn you into a beautiful, fluttering swan.
What makes me such an expert on blogging? I hear you ask. How dare you have the audacity to question my credentials when I’m trying to help you. I don’t need this aggravation you know. You’re the one who came to me looking for help.
What makes me such an expert?…Oh nothing, nothing at all. Oh wait, there was just one thing….well apart from my amazing impression of Columbo just there and having over a weeks blogging experience, not to mention
an ever expanding knowledge of what it means to ‘blog the shit out of it’, I own one of the most read Blogs on the Internet by glass blowing social misfits than any other site. I have spent gruelling minutes painstakingly breaking down what it is that makes me so good at this and you so bad. I have slept through eight seminars and chewed on two full pencils; I have sickeningly slept with 13 of my groupies, of which none were either male nor female but some weird mixture of the two, in order to gain insight and come up with a winning formula, that will drag your sorry excuse for a blog into the 28th Century where mine currently resides and perhaps even get you laid (But even I’m not sure if I have that kind of power). And after this tiresome, seemingly unending process I have washed up on the shore of enlightenment and am willing to share what I have discovered with YOU! Yes you, you ungrateful ingrate.
Plus I’ve smashed it up into easy to bite pieces for your tiny brain to process more easily. So follow these simple steps and you can’t go wrong.
Before you go on it is important to note what I call “Step #0” which I will be including in the intro for no extra cost due to the fact that its so obvious. And here it is
Step #0: Stockholm Syndrome: Always treat the reader like he or she is a total jerk. That way they will start to think they need you. Just like Stockholm Syndrome, where the captives began to feel a connection to their kidnappers, so too will your readers feel a connection to what you’re saying as long as you always talk down to them and lower their self esteem. I’m not joking they love it and they will always come back for more.
Now get out if here you bunch of jerks and don’t forget to come back for Step #1. Seriously don’t forget cause there’s no refunds!