I have recently become aware that sometimes, as a father, i get things and sometimes i dont.
Things I want for Christmas are apparently examples of things I don’t get. I find this phenomenon very strange because i usually get what I ask for on other religious holidays such as Easter or Pancake Tuesday. That being an Easter egg and a pancake respectively.
(Only once did i ask my mother for a Shrove on Shrove Tuesday but to this day it is unknown to me if i got it or not as i have no idea what a Shrove is. However If it happens to be a kick from your mother to the jugular then yes, i got it!)
Of course its not just sought after Christmas presents that i dont get but other things as well. Like I dont get straight to the point. Ever. I do however get side tracked quite a bit though.
See? Some things i do get and somethings i dont get. Ying yang and all that.
Like for example I get puns and yet, strangely enough, I rarely get the attention from women that I deserve. I also dont get jokes made at my expense but, in these situations, i do get very angry, aggressive and revengeful which, i feel, more than makes up for it.
(Is revengeful a word? Not sure, you be the judge.)
As aformentioned, i do get pissed off but i am delighted to say that I have yet to get pissed on. I get silent, black and white movies but do not get silent, black and white people (or “Mimes” as they are more commonly known). I dont get hints but on the flip side, I do get confused when hinted at. I have been known to get lost on occasion but usually that occasion occurs after somone else gets angry and tells me to do so. Sometimes i get sentimental but It usually comes without the “senti” part. And Sometimes I get things in sequence. For instance: I get drunk, I get sick on someone and as a result I get chased. I’ve also noticed that getting a new surfboard, getting cocky, getting out past my depth, getting cramp and getting eaten by a shark could be something i’m likely to get which is one of the reasons i didnt get a surf board.
Sometimes people on the street ask me for things I’ve got. Like the time for example. (Which I regularly do have!) So someone might say:
“Hey, You got the time?”
In which case I’ll usually take a look at my watch and fire back something like,
“Yeah! Its Ass Kickin Time? Bitch!”
which prooves I’ve got jokes, right, but unfortunately not good ones as this is usually about the time I get my ass kicked.
In addition to people asking me for the time, people sometimes ask me to “Come get some!!”
but as i dont know what “Some” they are referring to and decide that whatever it is the agro, racist skinhead is offering i probably have enough already.
And so I almost always decline and, as a result, i get none.
Even advertisers want to know what I’ve got. Like sometimes I’ll be watching T.V. and they might ask me:
to which my usual response is
Unless im staying at my parents house, in which case my answer is usually
“Not sure. Hold on till i check.”
There are, however, some things i can’t get no matter how much i try, like pregnant, sober or the respect of my peers
and other things i cant help but get, like awkward in social situations or wet in the rain.
I’ve even been known to get up in the morning but, to counter balance that, I rarely “get down” at night. This could be due to the fact that I get embarrassed quite easily and I have slippy shoes. I usually dont like to get done but I do like to get things done. Weird!
I have been known to get presents but I rarely get pasts or even futures for that matter.
I can get left behind easily but find it very difficult to get right infront. On occasion, I have been known to get one free but usually only after i buy one of the products that are on special promotion. It is important to note at this stage, that I never, I repeat, never get a special promotion myself for doing this. Sometimes i get things from other people’s houses when they are not home but inevitably, straight after, i get caught and subsequently get arrested. Needless to say I do not get bail and although I can get a little crazy sometimes I rarely get the professional help or suitable medication i so desperately need.
So I hope that answers your question but i think the real question on your mind is:
So tune in again next time for more “Answers to Questions you Never Asked”
or buy the boxset of “Answers to Questions You Never Asked” to catch some of your favourite answers such as:
“Only if you’re buying”
and of course
P.S. Now off you go and enjoy the things you got/didnt get/ got but didnt ask for/ didnt get but asked for/ didnt get but didnt ask for.