Life is funny.
I said that.
Sure a whole bunch of clever people said it before me but I’m the one saying it today. Why?
Well I know you guys in America and Canada think you have it all sewn up
in the news-story-sensationalisation stakes and usually that would be true. (Is that how you spell ‘sewn’? Really? I want to switch the ‘e’ for an ‘o’. Who’s with me?)
I’ve seen your news and, to be honest, when they’re not treating their viewers like horny 17 year olds with no brains, they are trying to make you think that the haulocaust will happen if you ever set foot outside your front door.
Now i know you guys hate facts but it may interest you to know that you have a global reputation for being stupid. Fact.
And I used to believe it until I lived on your crazy island and realized why. It’s not that you’re inherently idiotic, its the constant barrage of drivel you are subjected to in your news shows. And they are ‘shows’, make no mistake in that. There is barely any news in them that isn’t off the wall fear mongering propaganda, sensationalized fluff or simply just made up.
I always thought- “Man, our news would never stoop to that level. Sure nobody would believe it”…..until now.
I know we are new to this sensationalisation crap but I still think for a first effort it’s not bad.
This week one of the most ridiculous stories in the history of the news broke and has been all over the paper, on radio, on the TV and social media alike. There have been navy officials, scientists, animal activists and environmentalists (emphasis on the ‘mentalist’ part), to mention but a few, all chiming in with their two cents on the issue.
What hard-hitting issue could he possibly be talking about? I hear you ask. Are you ready?
Wait for it…
We interrupt this amazing blog post to bring you this important News Bulletin.
No shit! I mean I know they’re trying to distract us from the raising unemployment rates and the fact that we’ve sold all our oil for a handful of magic beans and the fact that the banks that we, the taxpayer, have bailed out are now talking about bringing back ludicrous bonuses so the staff can “do their jobs more effectively”- cause that worked so well the last time- but come on! A ghost ship with giant flesh eating cannibal rats!?
What low budget horror film did they rip this story from? I can only imagine the press think tank comin up with this one.
Editor:Come on! We’ve been here all bloody day and not one decent story for the front page!
Lackey 1: What about the fact that investment bankers are making higher bonuses now in a recession than ever before despite the fact that they were the ones who caused the shit storm in the first place?
Editor: People are bored with that shit! What else you got?
Lackey #2: Well I saw this movie last night it was called “Snakes on a Plane” and…
Editor: We can’t use the plot of a fucking film you twat!
Lackey#1: What if we change a few details?
Editor: Like what?
Lackey #1: I don’t know. What if we switch the snakes for, say, rats.
Lackey #2:…oh and the plane for, em, a boat?
Lackey #1: Now I’m just spitballing here…but can the rats be cannibals by any chance?
Editor: That’s brilliant! Get me a picture of a rat twerking with Miley Cyrus and send it to print.
And so it is, a giant ghost ship filled with cannibal rats may or may not be landing somewhere along the Irish coast!
My opinion is they’ve already landed.
I believe they call themselves “Bankers”.
Picture taken from dreams time.com