So the Winter Olympics has kicked off again this year. Can anybody tell me why the winter olympics only consists of sports that have something to do with snow and ice? For most people thats not a true reflection of winter. It’s especially not fair for us Irish because while our winter is fucking freezing we don’t really get a lot of snow which puts us at a disadvantage for the Winter Olympics every year as our athletes must travel and often live in a different country to train.
I think the Winter Olympics, being a global competition, should encompass events that take into account global winters or, to be more specific (and undoubtedly more biased), I think that as well as having sports that are snow based and ice based we should include rain based events that cater for the Irish winter. If this isn’t possible then we should set about making our own Olympics. We could call it the Irish Winter Olympics and it would reflect true events that happen during our bleak and often unrelenting winter.
One of the events could be simply ‘Getting-out-of-bed-at-6.30am-in-the-Dark-Even-Though-you-can-Hear-the-Wind-Howling-and-Rain-Battering-Against-Your-Window’…A.k.a the ‘Goodmorning Ireland’ event. That would be a great endurance test that the Irish would excel in.
We could also include the ‘100m Umbrella Dash’ event where athletes have to run the 100 meters without their umbrellas turning inside out. Any Irish person who gets the bus to work will already have years of training for this event under their belts and would be a shoe-in for the gold.
The strongman event would consist of lifting, not bars with weights, but multiples of sandbags. The winner who lifts the most sandbags gets the glory while the loser has his or her house filled with water effectively destroying all their worldly possessions and then later be told that their insurance, while covered for water damage isn’t covered from water damage caused by acts of god…just like in a real life Irish flood- except in Ireland the floodwaters are generally filled with poisonous bacteria but we wouldn’t need to go that far.
The ‘Discus throwing’ could be replaced by the ‘Life Preserver Ring Throwing’ and instead of boxing where a boxer tries to beat another boxer, in the Irish Winter Olympics we’d have someone in the ring trying to beat depression. Or an old lady ducking and weaving in an attempt to fend off pneumonia.
What else are we Irish good at? Political corruption? Sure, but I’d say some countries would have us beaten hands down in that event. Like the Russian Road built for the winter Olympics which cost a couple of million in kickbacks. Besides, we’d probably need a whole new Olympics to encompass all the events that could take place. That one would be called the Political Olympics or the “Politicympics” or the “Old-Gimp-ics” and will now undoubtedly be the subject of my next post. But I digress.
Anyway I understand that some of the original events rehashed here don’t occur in the actual Winter Olympics but in the summer one. But this doesn’t mean they couldn’t be part if the Irish Winter Olympics because undeniably the best thing about the Irish Winter Olympics is that it could be held both in the winter time and in the summer as there happens to be very little between the two. Hence the joke:
How do you know its summer in Ireland? The rain is warm.
If any more Olympic events come to mind that you think the Irish would be good at please feel free to leave a message. Oh and don’t say “Drinking”. That stereotype, while absolutely true, is still a stereotype. and everybody knows that stereotypes are racist.
Especially if they are true.