In Other News…

Ireland’s Newest Renewable Energy Source -ADHD Children

“They have the energy and we need it” stated Rooney Quinnt, the current Minister for Educatio, who has asked that his name be changed to protect his identity, at a meeting for energy and child labour. RQ went on to say that these children are climbing the walls of our classrooms in desperate need of an outlet all-the-while the shrinking of our country’s resources and that of the global community’s resources is growing”

While many ministers mused over the meaning of the confusing presence of the antonyms -shrinking and growing- being used in the same sentence, the minister went on to quote The Law of Conservation of Energy:

“Energy can neither be created or destroyed,” he quoted from Wikipedia , “Only changed from one state to another”.

But as he failed to reference the origins of the quote the opposing parties, believing the quote to be that of the ministers, immediately set about trying to disprove it.

“I exclaim,” exclaimed Quinnt with enthusiasm, “That ADHD Children are squandering the energy of the world and that something drastic must be done before the schools are overrun with these children holding the education of the other, “normal” children to ransom by forcing them to work in the dark!”

He went on to say that ADHD children should be made to run on giant treadmills or push turbines housed in buildings located on or near wind farms while research be carried out on how ADHD children are acquiring this energy in the first place.

This statement was met with a lot of angry comments from backbenchers insisting that the minister was being derogatory when speaking of “ADHD children” but should instead call them “Children with ADHD” as the child should always come first. Many agreed with this but others went further to claim that the use of the term ADHD at all was inappropriate as it is written in capital letters thus drawing focus to and highlighting the disability rather than the child itself. The meeting was adjourned until an inoffensive word for these children could be found and agreed upon.

After hours of deliberation and wine-tasting seminars they returned with the term “Children Who Are Adversely Affected by Over Enthusiasm”. A motion was quickly written up to have this term added to the constitution via referendum and all the politicians were driven home in their saloon cars, safe in the knowledge that nothing important had been done today. Proving once and for all the Law of Conservation of Politics:

Useless politicians can neither be created or destroyed, only changed from one state to another.

Halloween taxes could bring economy out of the dark ages

The Taoiseach, Enda ‘you killed‘ Kenny, was set to inflict more taxes on the Irish people this Halloween. Following the Troika’s visit this week it was announced in a meeting that, in order to make Ireland’s economy viable again, the government would be imposing a tax on Halloween.

Yes, having already taxed the dead in the last budget by axing the funeral grant, the government would have gone one step further by taxing…the pretend dead.

Finally the Irish government is cashing in on the age old irish festival of Samhain (pronounced “sa-wan”).
Any idiot with a Google can tell you that Halloween came from the Celts’ celebration of their new year when the recently dead made their way from this world to the next. Or at least this idiot with a Google can.

Many ministers were against it including Michael ‘martyr‘ Martin and Gerry ‘I don’t need a scary name‘ Adams who both insisted that the Taoiseach should be axed from office immediately as the stakes were too high.

But Mr. Kenny insisted that If Halloween is originally an Irish festival, then it should be possible to charge locals and other nations to celebrate it?

“We could, as a country, officially patent the festival and charge royalties for anyone who wants to celebrate it or anything resembling it.” He announced in a blood curdling groan.

While most ministers ruled against patenting halloween they did agree that It could be possible at the very least to set up an official, government run Halloween hub in Ireland producing authentic Halloween gear.

“We could put a logo on it like Bord Bia do on food and advertise that any Halloween gear without the official logo on it was a fake and must be destroyed on sight like those fake Louis Vitton bags you see everywhere. Although in my opinion even the real Louis Vitton bags should be destroyed on sight, but I digress”, said Fergus ‘The Shroud’ O Dowd as he digressed before laying out his plan.

“As well as having a Custom tax, we could have a ‘Costume Tax’ for the import and export of official Samhain merchandise” he divulged.

Everyone agreed that it should be spear headed by Batt O Keefe for the simple reason that his name sounded the most halloweeny, as did the phrase “spear headed”!

“Think of the profits to our GNP!” shrieked Brendan ‘howling at the moon‘ Howlan.

The Tanaiste, Eamon ‘kill more’ Gilmore, was quick to back the Taoiseach, adding- “Think of the body count…I mean in employment!” he stuttered.

Unfortunately before an agreement could be reached the meeting had to be adjourned as the sun was coming up and an angry mob carrying pitchforks and garlic was forming outside the steps of the Dail.

Hey can anyone think of any more
Halloween names for any other politicians? If so leave a message. I’ll also take them from other countries if you know them.


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