Ignorance is generally not a good thing. If its your first day at the office though everyone expects you to be the ‘whipping boy’. Everybody expects you to be clueless. In this situation your ignorance can work in your favour. With that in mind here are some activities you can engage in to assert your dominance and get ahead on your first day safe in the knowledge that nobody will question anything you do. And if they do just plead ignorance:
1) Park in the disabled spot
This could be the one and only time you can get away with this so why not take advantage of it? Not to mention the fact that it is closest to the door so you save time walking meaning you can take a few extra minutes in bed.
2) Bring your baby to work
If you are a working mother/ father this could work wonders for you. Talk about free babysitting. Explain that you assumed that there was a creche on site and its too late to make alternative arrangements. Even if someone complains defiantly tell them it’s your first day and you weren’t aware of their ‘Anti-baby’ policy. And if no one complains then you have just set a precedent to bring your kid to work when needed. It might be pretty annoying at the start but once he or she turns 5 you can have them running errands for you, typing drafts for meetings and/or photocopying and sending memos to co workers, effectively cutting your job in half while exposing your child to a work environment from an early age.
3) Eat your co-workers’ lunch
Not only can you head to lunch early because ‘it’s your first day’ but you can pretend you thought the contents of the fridge was a free-for-all buffet. Make sure to compliment them on their culinary skills and who knows, maybe they’ll feel so proud they may offer to provide you with daily tasters. Meaning you’ll save time and money not having to prepare lunch. Time and money you can spend making yourself über dynamic to be a shoe in for that upcoming promotion.
4) Compare and Contrast Former Employers
No matter what happens during the day you should compare it negatively to your former employer. If you don’t have a reputable former employer just pretend it was Google or one of the big ones. Say things like “Hmm no free at-your-desk massages on a Friday? Seriously?! No you are joking! At Backsterd Backsterd and Co. they used to get the cheerleaders from the Miami Dolphins to come in and rub our shoulders if we’d had a tough week.”
5) Hold a ‘Musical’
Randomly burst into song at your desk. Then chase your co workers down singing loudly about whatever it is they happen to be doing! Then get angry when no one joins in and shout “Damn it!! I wish I was on Glee!” Right before exiting stage left with a sweet tap number. (It would definitely help in this instance if you already have a Checkin’ Your Email song or a Facebooking at work medley ready as less work than you think happens IN the actual workplace.)
6) Pretend you are blind
Whip out that white painted stick and have great craic knocking over stuff or getting sympathy from co-workers. The benefits of this are two fold: it will help to dissipate the hatred from your fellow employees- people are less likely to haze a blind person or get them to run to the shops to pick up their lunch order- and it will add much needed coolness to your look as you will be the only employee sporting a cool set of sunglasses in the office.
Don’t worry about being found out. Everybody will be too nervous or embarrassed to ask you how you got the job being a computers analyst if you are blind. If, however, HR do happen to stick their noses in (as they tend to do), and claim that you never mentioned your blindness in any of your interviews just stand up and shout loudly for all to hear something along the lines of-
“Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t realise my ‘disability’ (make sure to do the over exaggerated air quotes with your hands to add gravitas) was such an issue for you”
Then watch them squirm through your brand new aviators as everybody in the office looks discernibly at them before whipping them a few times in the leg with your cane and storming off making sure to bang into as many desks and knock over as many potted plants as possible. Believe me, they’ll think twice before bothering you again.
Being blind will also explain why you are parked in the disabled space but If anyone asks how you manage to drive to work being blind and all, simply tell them that you are pioneering a new and highly technical device for blind people which consists of complicated car sensors and an extremely accurate Satnav. They’ll be impressed!
7) Be the problem solver
Get into work early and switch all your co-workers’ laptops around. Then sit back and enjoy the melee as people run around headless not being able to log in to their computers to finish the project whose deadline is fast approaching. Only when the boss gets there should you calmly suggest trying each others passwords in different laptops until it works. Explain to them that in your last job somebody tried to sabotage the team by pulling such a prank. This will put you in good light with your boss who will not only be impressed with your problem solving abilities but who will also likely commend you for your work ethic for turning up on your first day super early. With regards to staff, not only will this up your profile but when you fuck up, which you will, alot, staff will be more eager to help seeing as you saved them from potentially losing an important account. Not only that but it will cause tension and dissension in the ranks as they try to work out who the saboteur is. Don’t be surprised if you end up getting a promotion in the first week or if you later become the bosses confidant as he now doesn’t know who to trust.
8) Use the company phone to ring your family or friends abroad It will be absolute ages before the bill rolls in on this one. Its easy enough to get away with because you can always tell them you’re on the phone to a client, engineer, accountant or solicitor. Note: Try to keep laughter and cursing to a minimum and preferably use a co workers phone so as to limit the chance of getting caught.
9) Collect money for your “charity”
Nobody knows you. Nobody knows you’re heartless. In fact you can be whoever you want including the chairperson of a non profit organisation. You need to lay the ground work for this early on in order to collect money. You don’t want to be springing this on them 12 months in as nobody will believe you once they get to know you. So buy cheap ribbons of different colours and give them out and demand money from the ones who take them. Hit em for imaginary fun runs and sponsored dig walking. Not only will these events serve as a solid excuse to get out of any work related event you couldn’t be arsed going to but you can also use the money to buy a round for your Co workers at the Christmas party in order to keep you popular. Pocket the rest and spend it on a snazzy suit for work. P.s. don’t feel bad. Sure the managers in Irish Charities are topping up their salaries with donations so why shouldn’t you? (for more see here)
10) Commandeer your bosses desk at no other point in your career will you ever be able to sit in your bosses chair and put your feet up on his desk more than on your first day. So go for it and if your boss happens to pay a visit tell him/her that you’re not aware of the exact details but the lady from HR sent you here.
Adding furniture or moving things around to your liking will add to the illusion as will bringing your own name block for the desk.
So all that is left to say is good luck. And don’t let the bastards get you down. Sure you’ll be filing 220s in no time. And if you’re not, there’s always a chance Playstation will contact you upon hearing how awesome you’ve become at Black Ops: Ghost Protocol!
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